Fifty Shades of Grey The Movie

Surely this is just porn? I mean... it doesn't particularly have a story, it's just a string of pornographic- very graphic in fact - encounters of bondage and sex. its not really a love story, there's no mad man forcing this stuff on her, its just a girl who never had sex before losing her virginity to a bondage loving dominator who happens to be attractive, no?
Am I in any way wrong?
I'm sure the people out there who love it (and there are a surprising number of the affectionately named 'illiterates') are... well... not reading this blog, but if they were they'd probably arguing, telling me it's a beautiful love story that needs to be told on the big screen.
Of course; they'd be wrong.

Of course my readers will already know what I think of the twilight fan fiction named 'Fifty Shades of grey' that has been very generously called a 'book'. but while I was completely happy to leave it alone now that fewer people are reading it on the tube (only 2 noticeable people today) it appears to have come again into my field of vision in the form of an article in the newspaper speculating on which Hollywood actress will be in it.
The article said that it's going to be either Mila Kunis, Olivia Wilde, Jessica Pare, Emma Watson, Lucy hale, Leighton Meester, Amanda Seyfried or Sasha Grey. To which my immediate response is 'either its going to be none of them because none of them are porn stars (Sasha Grey used to be but from what Wikipedia says she isn't anymore) and the only way to make it would be to make a full on porno, because that's what it bloody well is. Or it will be one of them and the film is going to cut out all of the sex scenes because not a one of those actresses would be put on the big screen in a full on domination bdsm bondage porno.'
Don't get me wrong, I would love to see each and every one of those actresses in such positions, I'm a guy after all, every one of them are gorgeous and I'd even agree to see 50 shades the movie if I thought i'd see Emma Watson or Mila Kunis naked - I'm a pervert, what do you want from me? - but they wont. they're big, famous actresses, they don't need to do porn to get paid so why would they?

If I'm wrong fair enough I have a little less respect for whichever one does it. It just strikes me as a really bad idea to make a fifty shades of grey movie, unless they're making it with porn stars. From what I've seen the book barely has any more plot than a standard Porno.

Anyway. Rant over.

A-Gameofthrones-pre-season3-panel
- James

Purple for Publish

Five copies of Fifty Shades on my route to work. Still porn, still public transport, just saying. Though the fact that they're advertising the book series on the train platforms probably doesn't help my cause. I can't imagine any of these people are reading my blog, but just in case; having an advert on a train station platform doesn't mean that the national rail service thinks it's ok for you to read erotica on the train, it means that they were given money so that a publishing company can try to sell you porn. I noticed that the adverts don't say anything about the book, just that reading it will mean you're reading it.

Don't worry this isn't going to become 'how many copies of Fifty Shades did I see on the way to work today', nor will it be 'how much does Fifty Shades annoy me today’, I'll get over it very soon... unless they make a movie, but I seriously can't see how someone would make a Fifty Shades movie that isn't the literal definition of porn.

Nothing particularly country spanning to talk about today- I could mention Kristen Stewart cheating on Robert Pattinson, 'cos I mean, like, O.M.G. but I'd rather shoot myself in the foot -but I do have personal news- this is the point where the majority of you will be closing the window, but before you do remember to skip to the end, check the YouTube video and see if I have any P.S.s.

As you know I'm a practically unpublished author in the process of editing the second part of my duology- The Longest Cycle -and I just wanted to talk a little about how it's going.

For the most part I'm doing well, doing a little bit of editing every night after work -this week writing blog posts has somewhat hindered my productivity, but I think I'm getting into a nice groove now. I've edited the first 46 chapters of the duology and I have twenty two to go- plus an epilogue, a prologue and a couple of intermission sequences. The majority of those 46 are the first book, which is completely finished. I've edited it, I 've re-read it, I've had other people edit it and I've come to the conclusion that I can't put off sending it off any longer, if I do I’m just putting it off because I’m scared of failure.

I've written a cover/query letter and tonight I'm going to be working on writing six different synopsis (the Literary agencies I've looked at ask for either a 500 word synopsis, a one page synopsis or a two page synopsis, and since it's a duology I need to write a synopsis for the first book and a synopsis for the series) and I hope to start sending it out before the end of the month- 5 Days! Aghhhhhh!

That said I don't expect anything to come of it in the near future. I've been through the process of trying to publish a book before- admittedly it was an awful piece fiction that was basically stolen from harry potter. So bad it makes twilight look... well, like twilight, it's still better than that garbage, but it was bad for me -so I know that it's a long and arduous process of rejection.

With my impending depression in mind I have a pledge to make; If I manage to legitimately publish this book within one year of my first query letter going out I will dye my hair dark purple.

By 'legitimately publish' I mean; get an agent, have the agent get a publisher, earn money for the book. I cannot self-publish.

People who know me know that when it comes to my appearance I've always been fairly conservative- non-outrageous -I like jeans t-shirts and shirts, I've never dyed my hair- once in secondary school (highschool) I tried to dye it blonde but it did almost nothing and I am eternally grateful, I couldn't have pulled off blonde -and the closest I've come to a crazy hair style was back in Uni when I let my hair grow down my back 'cos I couldn't afford to pay for a haircut.

So when I say that if I become a fully published author within a year of my first query I will dye my hair dark purple you understand how big a deal that is for me, and I will follow through with it. So if there are any publishers or literary agents out there looking to make me make a fool out of myself; sign me up.

YouuuuuTuuuuube Videooooooo

- James

P.S. the blog can now be found at www.minority-opinions.com just 'cos... stuff.

Fifty Shades of Twilight

'He's naked, except for those soft ripped jeans, top button casually undone.' I am fairly certain that means he's not naked. Sure if he was only wearing socks you could argue that he's naked except, etc.... But trousers? Really? That means he's at least half covered, a significant hindrance to being naked.

That was a single sentence I read of the fastest selling paperback book of all time, Fifty Shades of Grey, over the shoulder of someone on the train this morning. Fifty Shades of Grey, or Fifty Shades as its colloquially known, is one of those books that I have never shown an interest in, will never show an interest in, and (redundantly) have no interest in.

However I do know, roughly, what it is, which is why I find it so disturbing to be sat on a train- especially the underground which is almost a perfect metaphor for the primary contents of this book -while every woman sat around me is reading it like its normal.

For anyone who is not aware; Fifty Shades of Grey isn't, as some people have described it to me, a 'romance novel' it's... well- well it's porn. Its written porn; erotic fiction, 'Erotica'. I'm sure there's romance in there somewhere, buried deep- there’s certainly a lot of dirty puns I could have used here but I'm going to be the bigger man and let it slide -beneath all of the porn, but it really is just porn.

Am I the only one here who finds it uncomfortable to sit next to someone when they're enjoying porn? I mean you wouldn't like it if I just sat there next to you with naked women on my iPhone, would you? But you think its ok to- I have a pretty good imagination, I don’t need a picture for it to be just as graphic.

Ugh, it's weird, right?

I almost want to ask people about it. It would be kind of fun to lean over to someone who's idly reading it and ask; 'Hey, Fifty Shades of Grey? I've heard a lot of people are reading that. It beat out harry potter as the fastest selling paper back of all time, didn't it? What's it about?' It would be especially fun to do while there were school kids within ear shot, but I'd have to wait till the end of summer for them to reappear after their summer holidays.

But that brings me nicely to another thought I wanted to put out there to the people reading Fifty Shades in public; you're not in a little bubble of solitude. Just because the tube is one of those places that if you make eye contact with me or try to make conversation I'll pretend I didn't notice-or walk to the other end of the carriage as if you're a bad smell in extreme cases -doesn't mean that nobody can comprehend the existence of you or your book. People can read over your shoulder, and not all of you are tall enough to be sure that the people reading with you are all old enough- those kids giggling behind you probably aren't telling jokes, they probably just read some ludicrously hard-core line over your shoulder. Though whether it's because of the erotic meaning behind the words or they understand how poorly written it really is; I guess we'll never know, but you get my point.

Also; I don't know if you're aware but Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James was originally a twilight fan fiction named Snow Queen Ice Dragon, she just changed the character names, it even subtly says so in the legal section of the book, hence the post's title.

But in all seriousness; stop reading porn while sat next to me on the tube, have a little self-restraint, or at least shame.
YoUtUbE vIdEo
- James