All words presented in this blog are purely opinion, not fact - unless specifically stated otherwise in the post.

Monday, 16 July 2018

Star Wars Episode 2: comments

Continuing from last week, I have more comments on films that I watched.
today is star wars Episode 2 attack of the clones:
1. Episode 2, the 5th film made.
2. "there is unrest in the galactic senate" oh so it is a senate now and not a congress.
3. what with Brexit going on I'm really starting to see this movie in a different light.
4. how does an organisation as massive as the Republic NOT have an army? the UN has soldiers right? or at least access to other countries soldiers.
5. the 'senator' has a stupid haircut; drink.
6. as cloudy as Coruscant is today that must be super dangerous flying through those massive buildings.
7. new information about senator amidala; she can fly a fighter ship.
8. why do they want to separate from the republic?
9. Yoda is being nice and Padme just ignores that.
10. "count dooku was once a jedi. he could never assassinate anyone. Its not in their nature" Ha ha ha ha
11. Jarjar is way better in this one. he is seen but not heard. Perfect.
12. why are padawans forced to wear their hair in rat tails? What purpose does it serve? what if there's someone who doesn't have hair? it's just the worst.
13. Ugh Jar Jar spoke.
14. still have no idea what half the things he says are.
15. Anakin lost all that smooth talking. he is now equal to my level of swag.
16. this is like going to dinner with a pair of married friends and they just start arguing.
17. Obi-wan really should have nipped the whole relationship thing in the butt early. he's clearly too emotional. maybe he shouldn't have been involved.
18. New information about Senator amidala; she is a coder.
19. this talk about senators is so relevant right now. "In my experience senators only focus on pleasing those who funded their campaigns." Obi Wan might be a cynic, but he's a knowledgeable one.
20. those are some smart and sneaky poisonous millipedes. stopping behind things when R2 is looking around...
21. Obi Wan chastises Ani for being reckless, but lets all remember he literally just jumped out of a 1000 story window.
22. How to people know where to drive in this city? the sky lanes (is that a thing?) are not clearly marked anywhere.
23. Oh look now obi wan is just falling. that wasn't reckless at all.
24. if the assassin stopped playing with that theremin in her speeder they might not have caught her.
25. those are some solid 2002 effects there.
26. I'm pretty sure that much voltage going through a person would kill them dead, regardless of midichlorians.
27. Anakin just jumped out of a speeder about 1000 stories up. what if she'd stopped for a snack?
28. why did she just give away that she's a changeling? it served no purpose except telling us.
29. it was nice of her to not shoot at Anakin for those 30 seconds when he wasn't paying attention and watching for his lightsaber.
30. Wait... I know that lightsaber survives all the way to episode 7 but I also know it gets destroyed in this movie...
31. You don't want to sell me death sticks.
32. Anakin is creepy.
33. How did Jango hear the exact moment she was gonna give him up?
34. See I don't really have a problem with Yoda's speech pattern but I do feel an obligation to mention it.
35. Anakin REALLY shouldn't have been put in charge of Padme's protection. he's too close. I believe he's ready for a mission but protecting the woman he has had a mad crush on his whole life? no.
36. When a padawans master tells the council that he doesn't think the padawan is ready they should listen. he is closest and knows best.
37. even Padme can't stand listening to JarJar.
38. typical arrogant student.
39. Oh my god I forgot just how whiny Darth Vader was.
40. Anakin's disguise is just his normal clothes with a poncho and a scarf.
41. What the hell is Jawa Juice? is it juice made of jawas? a juice jawas make?
42. beyond the outer rim means outside of the galaxy. Dex was prospecting in black space.
43. if we don't know about it it doesn't exist is a very fundamentalist radicalist way of thinking.
44. That line was not only cheesy but creepy. she must be thinking 'this is the worst jedi to come with me on this mission.'
45. "Lost a planet master obi wan has. How embarrassing, how embarrassing."
46. And Obi Wan complains that ani lost a lightsaber.
47. on the plus side these younglings aren't going to get killed by anakin, they're grown ups by then. On the down side they'll get killed by Clone troopers.
48. who Elects a queen? thats stupid, and who only lets them stay for 2 terms?
49. Queen is wearing a stupid haircut, drink.
50. "Anakin's not a jedi yet, he's just a padawan." I mean it's kinda rude just shoving that out there in front of the queen and everyone.
51. I liked what they did with the jedi fighters in this,they needed an add on to go to hyperspace. it was an interesting idea.
52. I love that the Kaminoans eyes seem to have galaxies in them.
53. of course a neck that long and thin simply couldn't hold up that head, but thats none of my business.
54. what if they didn't want to sit there? can they move the chairs to other places?
55. I wonder if anyone will ever explain who Master Ceiphodias is.
56. "I don't like sand" now I see why they hide Luke on his home world.
57. Anakin is the master of Keep asking and eventually you'll wear her down and she'll say yes technique.
58. having an entire army played by 1 actor must have either been super cheap or way more expensive!
59. she went from 'your just a kid to me' to making out super quick.
60. this is the most stereotypical falling in love rolling in the grass scene ever.
61. Jango is the least subtle spy ever.
62. Padme dressed up way too sexy and put on too much mood lighting to tell Ani that they couldnt be together.
63. I don't think anyone expects you to be rational Ani
64. Considering all the different climates Jedi go to they should probably have waterproofs.
65. why are all holograms blue?
66. He has pretty bad aim for a bounty hunter.
67. That is the one and only time you will see Force Technopathy.
68. That tracker was not small or subtle.
69. Seismic charges apparently sound like guitar chords when they shouldn't sound like anything.
70.I can't tell if 'this is why I hate flying' is supposed to be a joke or character development. I don't get it either way.
71. Jango is a terrible bounty hunter. Rule number 1. Confirm the kill.
72. until this point as far as anyone knew the separatists were obeying the law.
73. I bet these guys like blue milk.
74. WTH, is that red milk?
75. Does he have a force sensor to see if people are good or bad? if not how does he know they're good people?
76. Those sneaky jawas sold the sand people out. now I get why Luke believed it was sand people so easily.
77. she doesn't look too good. At least he can use force heal or something to save her. He has force heal right? what do you mean he only trained in force beat stuff up?
78. Well that's just rude. he comes all this way to see her and she just falls asleep on him?! Oh she died? still...
79. Fair enough. he's killing all the men. I'm sure he'll leave the women and children though.
80. how is it Yoda feels anakin's troubles but not Obiwan? obi wan's supposed to be like a brother to him!
81. they need to figure out some sort of facebook system where you send the message to a person and don't have to find the planet they're on first.
82. It is a good thing R2 stayed on the ship :)
83. Hey! There's the blue milk! I figured they'd be the type.
84. "You're not all powerful, ani." "Well I should be!" We all feel like that sometimes.
85. Padme looks like a frigging hippy.
86. Oh shoot i was wrong. He killed them. He killed them all. they're dead. Every single one of them. And not just the men. the women and the children too.
87. "I just killed men women and children" he says. "Oh you poor thing, let me massage your neck." She responds.
88. Who is buried next to Ani's mother?
89. why did Padme change into skin tight white for the funeral? that seems weird.
90. Anakin is just not good at following orders.
91. Jar Jar was so easily manipulated its not even funny.
92. Dooku doesn't even seem like he's trying to be sincere.
93. It's funny how Dooku is telling Obi Wan everything, but he doesn't believe him.
94. It can't be safe to get out in the middle of a cloud of actual steam. Water so hot it can't be water any more.
95.could you imagine if you joined the army and your job was to jam yourself into a frame with a bunch of others and pretend your a painting/wall for hours and hours just in case someone comes in that way?
96. I genuinely wonder what happened to R2's boosters that made it so he couldn't use them in episode 4. I also feel like in these films the rule of R2 is that he can do anything so long as he has a spare slot.
97. That's really impressive, 3-pos head still works fine without being attached to the body. I mean, where's the power source? did young ani think so far ahead and put a psu in the body and head and also a low level processor in the body to help it more around with the head? it's an odd design.
98. I cannot tell what on earth they're making in the part of the factory where Ani gets his arm stuck. I mean what tech requires you to slam a bunch of giant hatchetts into it?
99. really they shoulda just shot ani and padme and not given them a chance.
100. there is absolutely no obvious signs of love from Padme. her confession is just weird.
101. they've been back together after 10 years apart for 3 days, if that how can they be in love. that's just silly. or i'm a cynic. one of the two.
102. did they cut the tail off of that creature pulling the cart just because the tail was in the way of the cart?
103. "Then we decided to come and rescue you." Obi wan looks around at the chains they are all in. "Good job."
104. How is it that the execution beasts never just decide to fight each other?
105. "She seems to be on top of things." Nice pun Obi Wan... Obi Pun... heh.
106. that tiger took a lot of shirt off padme considering it didn't actually cut her all the way around.
107. The more I think about it the more Samuel L Jackson is a weird casting choice for a star wars jedi.
108. the 3-po stuff in the battle is SO out of place. Jokes like that don't seem right in a battle.
109. Jango really isn't having a lot of luck with his jet pack.
110. That is the first time they behead someone in a star wars film.
111. Why did c3PO say die jedi dogs? I mean the robot he's connected to must be where he's getting it from but that type of robot never says anything like that.
112. What IS R2 doing here?
113. All of the captured jedi were on the jedi council, lol. the regulars fought and survived. Biggest names in the Jedi? captured.
114. See a light sabres all well and good but you can't beat an army of clones with blasters. Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.
115. How do 3PO and R2 get off the planet? they were left in the middle of the Colosseum.
116. Oooooh I see the death star plans in the background.
117. That does not seem healthy for a kid to be carrying his own dads (the person who he is a clone of) decapitated head.
118. now I see the death star plans in the foreground.
119. sandy planet like that, you want goggles Dooku, your gonna get crap in your eyes.
120. the best part of this movie is a game called Republic commando where you play a bunch of clone commandos and go behind the scenes, black ops style through a bunch of areas including the battle of geonosis. the last level is the lead in to the revenge of the sith.
121. they really shoulda destroyed that pilot droid that went onto the ship to stop him leaving.
122. Anakin's an idiot. Talk shit get Electrocuted into a corner.
123. why does Dooku give up on lightning as soon as he blocks it once?
124. How does Padme know its a hangar that they were going to? she didn't see it did she?
125. I would have guessed that light saber fights is a young man's game, but the old man's good.
126. adding an extra weapon to combat (like a lightsaber) when your not used to the dual wielding style is not beneficial it makes you very sloppy.
127. Anakin just sort of stops fighting there and lets Dooku cut his arm off.
128. I remember when Yoda dropped his cloak and stick and drew his lightsaber everyone in the cinema burst out laughing.
129. You know, if Dooku had a blaster he would have killed Yoda when he was struggling with the rocks that fell on him.
130. Is Obi Wan the only jedi who doesn't think he's better than his teacher?
131. There's a hell of a lot of wasted movement in Yoda's fighting style. not so much the spins because they build momentum but the jumps onto walls and then back down again...
132. Did anyone else notice that Yoda takes the time to put his lightsaber properly away before stopping the giant pillars from killing Ani and obi?
133. The clones have some serious firepower on their transport ship but they choose to just shoot dooku's ship with hand rifles?
134. It's a shame starships dont have some sort of registration or they coulda caught dooku's ship on return to coruscant.
135. I can't tell if we're supposed to know that sidious is Palpatine yet.
136. those friggin wipe transitions.
137. it's actually genius of Dooku to tell them about sidious, now they dont trust that information.
138. it's a very special kind of war that you know what its called the day it begins. "Begun the clone war has."
139. those cruisers look awfully like the star destroyers that the empire use later. I wonder if they're related.
140. ani and Padme get married in a small civil ceremony with only the droid that can keep a secret and the one that REALLY can't in attendance.

Monday, 9 July 2018

Star Wars Episode 1 Comments

So I do this thing on my facebook feed that I call movie comments that people seem to enjoy. Basically I just live post about movies I watch. Movies I like, but are flawed. I'm currently goign through the MCU movies, but I thought I might post the older ones here.
just to be clear; I love these movies, I couldn't watch through them if I hated them I just don't have that kind of patience. Some of it is observation, some of it is sarcasm, some is tongue in cheek. please try to read this with a grain of salt.
So with that, Star Wars Episode one: Comments.

1. You know, the 4th film, episode 1.
2. Ah yes the incredibly interesting system of taxation and the complex organisation of trade routes that occupies the hearts and minds of many a star wars fan.
3. "while the congress of the republic..." wait is it congress or senate, they're not interchangeable... are they?
4. why did the chancellor send the Jedi Knights secretly if it was just for negotiations? why not send them legitimately so that when they are attacked the republic can respond instead of having to say 'well it wasn't official.'
5. the trade federation sound like really offensive chinese stereotypes.
6. considering the number of battle droids they have, they can only have aggressive negotiations in mind.
7. For a group so concerned with obeying the law and keeping things legal the Trade Federation are awfully quick to kill the jedi.
8. For emotionless battle droids the battle droids seem to feel a lot of emotions, specifically fear. they're literally shaking. Maybe they're not emotionless?
9. surely something that creates as much heat as the light sabers seem to as they melt the blast doors would melt hands if they're as close to the blades as the handles?
10. That is the first last and only time we ever see force speed in the movies. did you see how fast they moved? its like I accidentally skipped forward.
11. with such advanced technology you'd think they wouldn't have so much trouble with internal circuit camera viewing.
12. Obi-wan-kenobi original Sass master of the Jedi.
13. taking the droids ships down to the planet is a bad idea, Jedi dudes, droids don't need life support systems. there is no reason that they would use them. you will likely die as soon as they leave the space ship.
14. the ground to space camera seems to work better than the internal camera.
15. that water effect at the end of the communication, remember some artist in the SW Universe had to make that.
16. why do holograms need to be blue?
17. Why would the trade federation people need to com link to talk to the droids. surely they just send new commands to their programming? or send a message straight to them?
18. the gun guns sound like offensive caribbean stereotypes.
19. "whats this" is the best way of describing Jarjar.
20. I don't understand half the things Jarjar is saying.
21. I never noticed how bad the Jar Jar effects are.
22. Gungun city really is pretty. more like a beautiful chandelier than a city though.
23. the animals that the gunguns ride on just don't seem like the type that could survive in a city like that, nor do they look like underwater creatures.
24. obi wan is a good padawan, nothing like those skywalker boys.
25. How does Quai gon know anything about the gungun gods or whether they believe in life debts? 10 minutes ago he knew nothing of gunguns.
26. I'm glad that the gungun ship has controls identical to the spaceships of the republic, it's a little too coincidental considering how the Gunguns keep themselves SO seperate that they're almost myths, but still. nice.
27. There's always a bigger fish.
28. OMG the wipe transitions.
29. the one and only time you will see Force... is that Force Sleep? I dunno.
30. the naboo people should probably invest in a military. I guess that's why she needs to believe in the republic.
31. can we just be clear for a second; that's not how planets work. you can't drive a submarine through the core of the planet.
32. droids that carry weapons humans can use are a bad idea, if anyone beats them then they've got more weapons.
33. holy poop thats keira knightley.
34. these are just the worst droids. How do the trade federation invade anywhere?
35. I feel like a ship as mirrored as the nabooian one would be practically invisible in space.
36. R2D2s backstory is literally 'yeah he was just one of the ones on the ship we left on.'
37. "This is my apprentice, Darth Maul. Because he likes to maul things. rarrr."
38. "The droid is to be commended." It literally doesn't care. it's a toaster. it was doing its job.
39. Do you think that the fake queen made the real queen clean the join as a little elbow to the ribs, like 'You can't say no, take that you bossy little witch.'
40. land near the city but not in the city with all the other ships. be the one ship in another place, not in the port. stand out if anyone walks past. so that we don't draw attention.
41. "No more commands from her highness today." She hasn't made any commands yet, Quai gon is just kinda grouchy.
42. Quick, Qui Gon stab the kid, kill him. trust me it'll save you a world of trouble.
43. "Are you an angel." just a little shout out to Anakin who, at 8 has more game than I ever had.
44. Just a reminder that this 8 year old ends up sexing that 20 year old. (yes I know she's actually 14, shush.)
45. and that is the first and last time we will ever see force persuade fail.
46. the toydarian shop owner is a clear and obvious liar, but they believe him and don't bother shopping around. Maybe someone else did have what they needed. maybe they woulda taken republic creds.
47. I don't trust anyone who un-ironically says yippee.
48. Sebulba stole that fish.
49. wait where did they get fish from? this is a desert planet.
50. Jar Jar has so many chances to die but he can't even do that right.
51. The sand MUST be messing with R2's gears.
52. "These are my friends mom." Kid is frigging clingy, they just met!
53. good to know that when R2 and 3PO met R2 was walking in on 3-PO 'changing'.
54. do we ever learn what Maul is looking for 'revenge' for?
55. You can kinda tell that Quai Gon wants to murder Jarjar. He's regretting saving him now.
56. for a 9 year old Anakin is sneaky and deceptive
57. there must one SOMEONE friendly to the republic on Tatooine.
58. she is a really bad mother. it does NOT take her long to change her mind and let the kid race in the dangerous pod race.
59. Padme is struggling with that moment of a deception where she wishes she could tell them who she is, but it'd ruin her plans.
60. they all make very good points; they are trusting this boy they just met WAY too much.
It's a little weird that Quai gon just accepts that there was no dad, that the boy is jesus.
62. I like to think that the rodian kid who makes fun of Ani is greedo.
63. well he didn't get his hand caught in the beam.
64. Anakin can't even see over the dashboard. "With the dashboard up I can't even see how am I supposed to race?!"
65. Midichlorians. the silliest thing in star wars, and that's saying something. "Its over 20 thousand!"
66. Why don't the jedi just steal the parts? is honour really worth it?
67. how did 3po and r2 get there?
68. "This is so Wizard!" Anakin, stop trying to make Wizard happen. It's not going to happen.
69. I feel like the race announcers is a reference I just don't get.
70. What on earth was the purpose of the farting camel scene?
71. I wonder what happens to that other hut woman between Episode 1 and episode 6.
72. this race doesn't seem very well regulated, not like formulae one. you imagine if the race started in Formula one and one of the engines just exploded.
73. I'm starting to think that this race isn't very safe.
74. side note I used to really like the old pod racing game.
75. people got so interested in that really pale woman with the rifle that they made a bunch of (now no longer canonical) books with her. She is called Aurra Sing
76. Thank you 3-PO for that exposition there.
77. What none of the other pod racers considered, it seems, is that a smaller pod means you can sneak around others in the smaller areas. Also larger pods look like you're compensating for something.
78. can I just say its really poor form to win the race championship and then leave the planet the next day so nobody can challenge you.
79. "Why do I feel like we've picked up another pathetic life form?" Wait... who was the first pathetic life fo- Jar Jar. up it was jar jar.
80. And that is the last we see of 3-PO in this movie. he doesn't seem important. we probably won't see him again in later films.
81. "You won't get away with this. We're a democracy. the people have decided." - while imprisoned did they get the chance to vote?
82. An hour ago Padme thought of Ani as 'Some boy we hardly know' now she cares for him. I guess he did buy her a hyperdrive. "Gurls love hyperdrives."
83. So it is senator palpatine, which means it's the senate not congress... right?
84. I still don't understand half the things Jar Jar says.
85. I guarantee Palpatine started those baseless accusations.
86. I wanna know more about that other yoda-like jedi councilor. the one with hair.
87. at this point in star wars history Mace Windu is the leader of the Jedi Council. He steps down during the war and has Yoda promoted. (also worth noting Yoda was leader before him as well) (Also Also worth noting this is all explained in EU stuff so maybe all lies now.)
88. At least we know where Leia gets her stupider hair cuts from.
89. Why doesn't anyone point out that they sent representatives (2 jedi) to speak with the trade federation surrounding Naboo, and the Trade federation tried to kill them. It's not like those Jedi are far. go get them. At this point Jedi are well respected and trusted. bring one as witness!
90. I wonder if the wookies and the E.T.s would actually be on the senate or if they're just there to fill alien seats.
91. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate... leads to suffering.
92. what on earth is that hair cut Padme? SW E1 drinking game rule #1 if the queen has a stupid haircut; drink.
93. Who the hell is Bail Antilles? Is it Wedge Antilles dad? if so how did he sink from Alderaan's senator to his son just being a pilot? why does he have the same name as Bail Organa, the next senator of Alderaan and Leia's "Father"? or did they just screw up and forget Leia's Last name?
94. Lets say its Bail Organa, they probably would've been better off with him being chancellor. he wouldn't have stood for the occupation.
95. I'm just imagining Palpatine doing the 'no, stop, wait,' thing, where they mean it less and less with every word.
96. that ramp was too steep at the bottom for R2 to climb without using its rocket boosters.
97. only one battle ship on the scope. that implies to me that the rest are hiding. Be ready.
98. is the queen's name not on public record? did nobody question that padme's name was the same as the queens?
99. ani is wearing the same clothes as Luke I just noticed.
100. hey guy who was banished for screwing everything up lets make you an important general, screw it!
101. did palpatine actually have any plan other than becoming chancellor? the vague statements like 'this will work to our advantage' implies another plan but it just seems like generic evil doing. I don't know what the point was.
102. yes hiding inside a spaceship is a great idea ani. nothing bad could possibly happen!
103. seriously, what happened to the other 30 trade federation ships?
104. Hm. primitives taking on a much more advanced force and bamboozling them. I feel like I've seen this somewhere before...
105. why aren't any of the robots being destroyed by rebounding lasers?
106. Oh wow you can see the putty where maul's horns are stuck to his head XD
107. "I can't find the trigger!" anakin says, ignoring the giant trigger.
108. Padme watched Ani get stuck in the space ship and is just like 'Eh who cares.
109. Adult Obi-wan could kill Darth Maul with his eyes closed. Is Qui-Gon a rubbish jedi warrior or is it just that they haven't been at war? Kenobi does get a lot of practice.
110. I don't think that a ship would have an autopilot to a battle.
111. Yes Ani, it IS tense.
112 "Its gonna get us both killed" like its okay if R2 dies, but not both of them.
113. The gun guns weren't even as good at war as the Ewoks.
114. Anakin's ship barely scratched the paint work, and yet he crashes.
115. those lasers blocking Obi-wan closed a lot quicker that time than any other.
116. I'd like to point out that the other team of naboo ians arrived at the throne room about the same time as Padme, despite having to fight all those droids and not getting that shortcut. I get the feeling Padme just slows kiera down. Kiera didn't even get caught.
117. the reason Obi Wan does so well is because he's angry and emotional about the fight... like a sith.
118. Oh Shoot! Obi-wan's dead, Maul has the high ground. there's no winning this for him now. I saw it in another film.
119. I'm not sure it's wise to have a completely exposed main reactor just inside the loading bay.
120. You do realise he beat the ship the exact same way as they later beat the death star right? this wasn't a new plot.
121. Huh... looks like he didn't have the high ground after all. Obi wouldn't have won if he had.
122. And so ends Qui-Gon Gin-lover.
123. Yeah I mean he committed an act of war, so he should probably lose his trade franchise.
124. 9 years old and he's already murdered a bunch of people.
125. the camera pans to palpatine after talking about the sith. what are they trying to tell me, do you think?
126. what even is that tesla ball they give the gungans?
127. is it tradition for jedi to dress as sith when they're in mourning? is that why sith wear black, cos they're always around death?