All words presented in this blog are purely opinion, not fact - unless specifically stated otherwise in the post.

Monday 9 July 2018

Star Wars Episode 1 Comments

So I do this thing on my facebook feed that I call movie comments that people seem to enjoy. Basically I just live post about movies I watch. Movies I like, but are flawed. I'm currently goign through the MCU movies, but I thought I might post the older ones here.
just to be clear; I love these movies, I couldn't watch through them if I hated them I just don't have that kind of patience. Some of it is observation, some of it is sarcasm, some is tongue in cheek. please try to read this with a grain of salt.
So with that, Star Wars Episode one: Comments.

1. You know, the 4th film, episode 1.
2. Ah yes the incredibly interesting system of taxation and the complex organisation of trade routes that occupies the hearts and minds of many a star wars fan.
3. "while the congress of the republic..." wait is it congress or senate, they're not interchangeable... are they?
4. why did the chancellor send the Jedi Knights secretly if it was just for negotiations? why not send them legitimately so that when they are attacked the republic can respond instead of having to say 'well it wasn't official.'
5. the trade federation sound like really offensive chinese stereotypes.
6. considering the number of battle droids they have, they can only have aggressive negotiations in mind.
7. For a group so concerned with obeying the law and keeping things legal the Trade Federation are awfully quick to kill the jedi.
8. For emotionless battle droids the battle droids seem to feel a lot of emotions, specifically fear. they're literally shaking. Maybe they're not emotionless?
9. surely something that creates as much heat as the light sabers seem to as they melt the blast doors would melt hands if they're as close to the blades as the handles?
10. That is the first last and only time we ever see force speed in the movies. did you see how fast they moved? its like I accidentally skipped forward.
11. with such advanced technology you'd think they wouldn't have so much trouble with internal circuit camera viewing.
12. Obi-wan-kenobi original Sass master of the Jedi.
13. taking the droids ships down to the planet is a bad idea, Jedi dudes, droids don't need life support systems. there is no reason that they would use them. you will likely die as soon as they leave the space ship.
14. the ground to space camera seems to work better than the internal camera.
15. that water effect at the end of the communication, remember some artist in the SW Universe had to make that.
16. why do holograms need to be blue?
17. Why would the trade federation people need to com link to talk to the droids. surely they just send new commands to their programming? or send a message straight to them?
18. the gun guns sound like offensive caribbean stereotypes.
19. "whats this" is the best way of describing Jarjar.
20. I don't understand half the things Jarjar is saying.
21. I never noticed how bad the Jar Jar effects are.
22. Gungun city really is pretty. more like a beautiful chandelier than a city though.
23. the animals that the gunguns ride on just don't seem like the type that could survive in a city like that, nor do they look like underwater creatures.
24. obi wan is a good padawan, nothing like those skywalker boys.
25. How does Quai gon know anything about the gungun gods or whether they believe in life debts? 10 minutes ago he knew nothing of gunguns.
26. I'm glad that the gungun ship has controls identical to the spaceships of the republic, it's a little too coincidental considering how the Gunguns keep themselves SO seperate that they're almost myths, but still. nice.
27. There's always a bigger fish.
28. OMG the wipe transitions.
29. the one and only time you will see Force... is that Force Sleep? I dunno.
30. the naboo people should probably invest in a military. I guess that's why she needs to believe in the republic.
31. can we just be clear for a second; that's not how planets work. you can't drive a submarine through the core of the planet.
32. droids that carry weapons humans can use are a bad idea, if anyone beats them then they've got more weapons.
33. holy poop thats keira knightley.
34. these are just the worst droids. How do the trade federation invade anywhere?
35. I feel like a ship as mirrored as the nabooian one would be practically invisible in space.
36. R2D2s backstory is literally 'yeah he was just one of the ones on the ship we left on.'
37. "This is my apprentice, Darth Maul. Because he likes to maul things. rarrr."
38. "The droid is to be commended." It literally doesn't care. it's a toaster. it was doing its job.
39. Do you think that the fake queen made the real queen clean the join as a little elbow to the ribs, like 'You can't say no, take that you bossy little witch.'
40. land near the city but not in the city with all the other ships. be the one ship in another place, not in the port. stand out if anyone walks past. so that we don't draw attention.
41. "No more commands from her highness today." She hasn't made any commands yet, Quai gon is just kinda grouchy.
42. Quick, Qui Gon stab the kid, kill him. trust me it'll save you a world of trouble.
43. "Are you an angel." just a little shout out to Anakin who, at 8 has more game than I ever had.
44. Just a reminder that this 8 year old ends up sexing that 20 year old. (yes I know she's actually 14, shush.)
45. and that is the first and last time we will ever see force persuade fail.
46. the toydarian shop owner is a clear and obvious liar, but they believe him and don't bother shopping around. Maybe someone else did have what they needed. maybe they woulda taken republic creds.
47. I don't trust anyone who un-ironically says yippee.
48. Sebulba stole that fish.
49. wait where did they get fish from? this is a desert planet.
50. Jar Jar has so many chances to die but he can't even do that right.
51. The sand MUST be messing with R2's gears.
52. "These are my friends mom." Kid is frigging clingy, they just met!
53. good to know that when R2 and 3PO met R2 was walking in on 3-PO 'changing'.
54. do we ever learn what Maul is looking for 'revenge' for?
55. You can kinda tell that Quai Gon wants to murder Jarjar. He's regretting saving him now.
56. for a 9 year old Anakin is sneaky and deceptive
57. there must one SOMEONE friendly to the republic on Tatooine.
58. she is a really bad mother. it does NOT take her long to change her mind and let the kid race in the dangerous pod race.
59. Padme is struggling with that moment of a deception where she wishes she could tell them who she is, but it'd ruin her plans.
60. they all make very good points; they are trusting this boy they just met WAY too much.
It's a little weird that Quai gon just accepts that there was no dad, that the boy is jesus.
62. I like to think that the rodian kid who makes fun of Ani is greedo.
63. well he didn't get his hand caught in the beam.
64. Anakin can't even see over the dashboard. "With the dashboard up I can't even see how am I supposed to race?!"
65. Midichlorians. the silliest thing in star wars, and that's saying something. "Its over 20 thousand!"
66. Why don't the jedi just steal the parts? is honour really worth it?
67. how did 3po and r2 get there?
68. "This is so Wizard!" Anakin, stop trying to make Wizard happen. It's not going to happen.
69. I feel like the race announcers is a reference I just don't get.
70. What on earth was the purpose of the farting camel scene?
71. I wonder what happens to that other hut woman between Episode 1 and episode 6.
72. this race doesn't seem very well regulated, not like formulae one. you imagine if the race started in Formula one and one of the engines just exploded.
73. I'm starting to think that this race isn't very safe.
74. side note I used to really like the old pod racing game.
75. people got so interested in that really pale woman with the rifle that they made a bunch of (now no longer canonical) books with her. She is called Aurra Sing
76. Thank you 3-PO for that exposition there.
77. What none of the other pod racers considered, it seems, is that a smaller pod means you can sneak around others in the smaller areas. Also larger pods look like you're compensating for something.
78. can I just say its really poor form to win the race championship and then leave the planet the next day so nobody can challenge you.
79. "Why do I feel like we've picked up another pathetic life form?" Wait... who was the first pathetic life fo- Jar Jar. up it was jar jar.
80. And that is the last we see of 3-PO in this movie. he doesn't seem important. we probably won't see him again in later films.
81. "You won't get away with this. We're a democracy. the people have decided." - while imprisoned did they get the chance to vote?
82. An hour ago Padme thought of Ani as 'Some boy we hardly know' now she cares for him. I guess he did buy her a hyperdrive. "Gurls love hyperdrives."
83. So it is senator palpatine, which means it's the senate not congress... right?
84. I still don't understand half the things Jar Jar says.
85. I guarantee Palpatine started those baseless accusations.
86. I wanna know more about that other yoda-like jedi councilor. the one with hair.
87. at this point in star wars history Mace Windu is the leader of the Jedi Council. He steps down during the war and has Yoda promoted. (also worth noting Yoda was leader before him as well) (Also Also worth noting this is all explained in EU stuff so maybe all lies now.)
88. At least we know where Leia gets her stupider hair cuts from.
89. Why doesn't anyone point out that they sent representatives (2 jedi) to speak with the trade federation surrounding Naboo, and the Trade federation tried to kill them. It's not like those Jedi are far. go get them. At this point Jedi are well respected and trusted. bring one as witness!
90. I wonder if the wookies and the E.T.s would actually be on the senate or if they're just there to fill alien seats.
91. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate... leads to suffering.
92. what on earth is that hair cut Padme? SW E1 drinking game rule #1 if the queen has a stupid haircut; drink.
93. Who the hell is Bail Antilles? Is it Wedge Antilles dad? if so how did he sink from Alderaan's senator to his son just being a pilot? why does he have the same name as Bail Organa, the next senator of Alderaan and Leia's "Father"? or did they just screw up and forget Leia's Last name?
94. Lets say its Bail Organa, they probably would've been better off with him being chancellor. he wouldn't have stood for the occupation.
95. I'm just imagining Palpatine doing the 'no, stop, wait,' thing, where they mean it less and less with every word.
96. that ramp was too steep at the bottom for R2 to climb without using its rocket boosters.
97. only one battle ship on the scope. that implies to me that the rest are hiding. Be ready.
98. is the queen's name not on public record? did nobody question that padme's name was the same as the queens?
99. ani is wearing the same clothes as Luke I just noticed.
100. hey guy who was banished for screwing everything up lets make you an important general, screw it!
101. did palpatine actually have any plan other than becoming chancellor? the vague statements like 'this will work to our advantage' implies another plan but it just seems like generic evil doing. I don't know what the point was.
102. yes hiding inside a spaceship is a great idea ani. nothing bad could possibly happen!
103. seriously, what happened to the other 30 trade federation ships?
104. Hm. primitives taking on a much more advanced force and bamboozling them. I feel like I've seen this somewhere before...
105. why aren't any of the robots being destroyed by rebounding lasers?
106. Oh wow you can see the putty where maul's horns are stuck to his head XD
107. "I can't find the trigger!" anakin says, ignoring the giant trigger.
108. Padme watched Ani get stuck in the space ship and is just like 'Eh who cares.
109. Adult Obi-wan could kill Darth Maul with his eyes closed. Is Qui-Gon a rubbish jedi warrior or is it just that they haven't been at war? Kenobi does get a lot of practice.
110. I don't think that a ship would have an autopilot to a battle.
111. Yes Ani, it IS tense.
112 "Its gonna get us both killed" like its okay if R2 dies, but not both of them.
113. The gun guns weren't even as good at war as the Ewoks.
114. Anakin's ship barely scratched the paint work, and yet he crashes.
115. those lasers blocking Obi-wan closed a lot quicker that time than any other.
116. I'd like to point out that the other team of naboo ians arrived at the throne room about the same time as Padme, despite having to fight all those droids and not getting that shortcut. I get the feeling Padme just slows kiera down. Kiera didn't even get caught.
117. the reason Obi Wan does so well is because he's angry and emotional about the fight... like a sith.
118. Oh Shoot! Obi-wan's dead, Maul has the high ground. there's no winning this for him now. I saw it in another film.
119. I'm not sure it's wise to have a completely exposed main reactor just inside the loading bay.
120. You do realise he beat the ship the exact same way as they later beat the death star right? this wasn't a new plot.
121. Huh... looks like he didn't have the high ground after all. Obi wouldn't have won if he had.
122. And so ends Qui-Gon Gin-lover.
123. Yeah I mean he committed an act of war, so he should probably lose his trade franchise.
124. 9 years old and he's already murdered a bunch of people.
125. the camera pans to palpatine after talking about the sith. what are they trying to tell me, do you think?
126. what even is that tesla ball they give the gungans?
127. is it tradition for jedi to dress as sith when they're in mourning? is that why sith wear black, cos they're always around death?

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